I gave myself a good laugh yesterday. Thinking of sending the now used toys back to him. Especially the balls since he seems to be lacking in them. I also felt relief thinking that he will not remember the name of my blog. He hadn’t before, why would he now? This gives me some breathing space and peace. I won’t know one way or another and I will not let the slight possibility that he does remember, that he will read. Change what I write, at least in strong moments I feel this way. I also sent him a message on fl, the last thing I will do. I covered a lot of ground, stated some of my issues. I didn’t rant or rave, cry or beg, cuss (which is big for me) or scream. I made my points and my emotions very clear, handling it like a mature adult. Yay me!
I have struggled with the need I have to submit, hating it, missing it so not ready to go there again. In my confusion, hurt and loneliness I started talking to this Dom. He lives close to me and will be moving closer. Part of me was excited about the future possibilities of a RL D/s relationship. Which is something I want, have wanted. But this Dom…he is very pushy even as he says he will “give” me time. That he wants to be here for me even as he tells me what he will “allow” me to do, explore.
Red flags have popped up all over the place, in my mind and the way my body reacts to him. He makes me feel slightly sick, a little threatened and unclean. I have tried to be nice and tell him I can’t talk to him right now, I tried to explain that it is me and that I am an emotional mess and that my heart is broken. He says all the right things in that moment but then a couple of minutes later wants to see me. Would love pictures of me, which for right now is so the wrong button to push.
I am so thankful that I have received support from surprising places and have had the good sense not to give into his constant demands. I feel a little bad that I have not responded to his chat today, as I know how it feels to be left hanging. I just, I’m tired right now, emotionally unstable and don’t really want to deal with it. But I will, I will find the words nicer than fuck off to get him to leave me alone.
This experience reminds me how important it is to protect yourself. To have more of a connection before you start sharing private pictures and information. At least for me, some I think like that edge. It also slapped me how important a mental connection is for me, it is essential. Which scares me and makes me sad.
In the D/s world we all know how much strength and courage it takes to submit. How vulnerable and naked you feel at times. I may miss things but I know it will be a while before I can do that again. Sometimes I wonder if I really even want to, then I get mad that I let him have that type of power. I just can’t get rid of this bad taste in my mouth. Can’t wrap my brain around how I have been treated by someone I exposed so much of myself to. It makes me feel small and like I never want to do it again. The pain, anger, disbelief, surprise and doubts about myself are on a constant loop.
Today is a better day than yesterday, tomorrow will be better than today. This I know. Thank you readers, for the support, the words of wisdom, the advice. It has helped me a great deal and means very much to me. I am extremely grateful.