Who will win?

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It’s not looking good for me, in January I had agreed to a task before knowing what it was. Silly me…but I trust Mr.W and know he will push me but not harm or disrespect me. He does like to laugh at how I get myself into these situations (like I did it all on my own!). He gave me the task of 300 orgasms for the year. I was like Ha! this is so doable, easy….who’s laughing now?? It is the middle of May and I am at 83 orgasms, 46 edgings and 4 orgasms subtracted by other means. If I do not complete this task it is a chastity belt for a year, I can hear him evilly laughing right now.

When the reality of my task set in, I found it a bit daunting. I have never counted the orgasms I have or had a certain number to meet. If this task wasn’t pleasurably hard before, Mr.W who has a beautiful, bountiful imagination, has made it more difficult. There was a game we played, which limited me to only edging for about a month before I completed it. He also took 150 days away from me that turned into minutes he can use whenever, however he wants, he currently has 128 mins left. Sigh…lol

He has also set a time limit, he wanted me to learn how to come in a specific amount of time. 13 mins then work down from there, if I didn’t cum, it counts as an edging. Then 20 mins, which you would think would be easier but alas his mind fucking has started to create a wall. He laughs at me tenderly and calls me a sadist, how I torment and torture myself. It’s hard not to get stuck in your head, to be aware of the clock, why you are doing what you are doing.

He loves to fuck with my mind, telling me I need to ask permission before cumming, that he is feeling evil, that he might let me cum. One time he had me all worked up, I was about to cum and he stopped our play….evil tormenting man!! but that has stayed in my mind. I am trying to fight having a mental block about cumming, I am determined to not be in a chastity belt for a year. But it is so hard!! Although I do love his sadism and my determination knocking heads, such a turn on. Who will win?

It’s amazing how tender your clit can get, there are times I will need to take a day or two to recover from having 2,3 or 4 orgasms a day. Kinda ruins my game plan. The time limit also curtails exploration, experimenting, unless we are in a session and I don’t have to keep track of time. Thankfully he has given me some other ways to subtact orgasms without actually having them, right now I will take all the help I can get! I have to say, I am loving every minute of this, Mr.W is a gentle, funny, intelligent, sexy, tormenting, evil genius, as he says, a nice mean I like and I do, not just like but love love love. Wish me luck!

Master S and sub S

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I was approached by another couple, she wrote me on fetlife and we hit it off. I’m going to put this down to having a brain fart, it took me a while to read her profile and when I did, I realized they were looking for a sister sub. I also didn’t know that her Master had been reading all of our messages, that made me feel a bit…uncomfortable. I was very excited to make new friends in the lifestyle here in my own town. I was also very intrigued by what they were looking for, I have been approached before but that was for play/sex. This couple wanted a poly inclusive dynamic.

From the very beginning I was upfront with them about not being sure if their dynamic would work for me. I told them I would like to be friends, made it as clear as possible, even said I was 97% sure their dynamic wasn’t for me. I thought at the time it was cute how Master S said there was still a 3% chance and 3 was his favorite number.

We moved from fl to email and before I gave them my number I once again told them all I wanted was to be friends and that if this worked for them to text me. I liked sub S very much, we have so much in common from life stories to kink to music. I don’t make friends easily, being shy and having social anxiety, so I was thrilled with how well we clicked.

Yes I thought about their dynamic, asked myself questions on if it was something I could do. I liked the picture of living together, a relationship where there is such support and love, a relationship made stronger by pleasure and dominance. But…I didn’t see how I could, with how I operate be willing to share so much of him. Time, energy, heart, body, mind, I am not built that way, I can be selfish, possessive and jealous.

It became obvious to me that Master S and I were going to bump heads a lot. I was still trying to be friends with them, getting to know them, asking questions and sharing parts of my life with them. It seemed that everything I shared he took to mean as making progress down a road he had mapped out. Getting closer to the end goal he so badly wants. I didn’t know how to slow his roll, to explain it any clearer to him that it wasn’t going to happen and that I wanted to be FRIENDS.

We met for drinks, went to a movie and then had dinner, I was very touched by how much effort they put in to making me comfortable. I was so nervous! I was shaking and felt like such an idiot for not being able to control my body’s response. But I went and had a wonderful time, sub S and I clicked in real life just like we had online. I felt a little selfish, wanting to have kinky friends I could actually hang out with, when I knew what they were looking for.

When I got home Master S wrote me and asked how I felt about submitting, one way or another. I told him that I was focused on us being friends and that I couldn’t tell him after one meeting. He apologized and said that it was unfair of him to ask me. There was a lot of things Master S said about submitting and dominance that I really liked. But his actions showed me different things. Like not listening to me, pushing me, sometimes he would make a comment that was a bit passive aggressive. I know we are all human but I don’t think this is a good trait in a Dom/Master.

Things were pretty rocky after that, I made it clear that I felt pushed and uncomfortable. He always talked about it being a journey, about the experience being a good one for all involved, I learned that it was his journey, he always had the end goal insight. It wasn’t about being friends, he really thought eventually I would agree to their dynamic. When he asked about meeting up again, I let them know that it wasn’t a good idea. He wasn’t too happy about it, said some things about it being my perspective and what a shame it was and how I was losing out on a great thing, how healthy and helpful it would be for me with my issues. He honestly didn’t hear me or maybe it was that he didn’t care to.

My feelings were a little hurt because it felt like they both always had ulterior motives, but how can I blame them when I know how badly they want that type of relationship? Part of me wishes that I had listened to myself and never started down the road with them but another part of me is glad for the experience and the things I learned. I do wish them all the best and sincerely hope they find what they seek.

Virgin Darkness

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She loved him for many reasons but his thoughtfulness, consideration melted her, soothed her. Eased years of her feeling like an afterthought, gave her the courage to ask, speak her desires. She knew that he could be trusted, that he didn’t see her fears, worries as trivial, this night was no different.

“Are you ready?” he asked. She smiled softly, heart trembling in her throat, face flushed with excitement and fear. “Yes” she whispered. He smiled tenderly as he put on her blindfold, took her hand and led her to the bed. She could hear the rustle of the sheets as he arranged himself “Ready” he said.

She stood there for several seconds, body shaking, fear and desire for him at war within her. She had already given him more than she had any other man, showed her body, her insecurities, her scars and he had welcomed them all, accepted her completely, this was the first and last step of giving all of herself to him.

She slowly lowered herself onto the bed, her shaking hands feeling along the sheets, she felt his warmth first, then her hand discovered his foot. She ran her hands up his calves, following the flow of his muscles. Her fingers flexed into him, nails scratching along his inner thighs, the sound of his soft moans, the shift of his legs urging her on. The fear started to withdraw as desire grew inside her, the joy of finally touching him, her skin sliding against his skin intoxicating to her.

She lowered her head, lips sliding along his skin, hot open mouthed kisses working across his chest as her hands played with his nipple studs. Stroked across his sides, down his flanks, over the top of his thighs. She moaned at his taste, licked over his heart, bit into his neck, the heat in her pussy blooming. Slowly she straddled him came to rest over his hard cock, she jerked at the sensation, her clit sensitive, slippery. The feeling of his cock throbbing against her alien, perfect, his heat making her moan.

With awkward thrusts she slid over him, biting her lip at his hiss, her hips stilled, face flaming. His gentle hands slid down her sides, cupped her hips and moved her slowly “Like this” he whispered. She gasped at his touch, the feeling of his cock sliding against her, the intense pleasure. His hand trailed down the side of her face, a finger skimming over her lips, her tongue darted out, licked, then sucked his finger into her mouth. His moan made her clench, her hips slowly stroking over him, her movements now steady, sure.

Then they were kissing, the passion exploding between them, his restraint gone, her need a wild beast. His arms closed around her, crushing her to him, tongues thrusting, teeth clinking, breath’s a harsh exchange. His hands moved over her back, her ass, one tangling in her hair, taking control of the kiss.  She whimpered with pleasure at his taste, the feeling of him touching her, moving against her. Her pussy throbbing in a painful way, the smell of her wetness perfuming the air.

She was wild, needy, her orgasm dancing closer, her hips working, pussy sliding quickly along his wet cock, his piercing hitting her clit with just the right pressure. “Cum miss” he said against her panting mouth, his lips skimming along her cheek, his teeth biting into her neck, his hands digging into her ass as he thrust against her. She broke at the pleasure and pain of his bite, his words, back arching, hips grinding down as her orgasm blasted through her, colors illuminating the darkness she was in. For long minutes she rested against him, body jerking with aftershocks, his hands sliding down her back, through her hair, his tenderness, closeness filling her with contentment. The happiness she felt in that moment, the connection between them, was unlike anything she had ever dreamed of.

With a wicked smile, she leaned back, feeling him twitch against her hot pussy. Her fingers traced over his face, read the smile on his lips and she smiled blindly back. With fumbling movements she climbed off him and situated herself between his spread thighs. Her lips slowly moved down his stomach, she rubbed her cheek and nose against him as she kept going lower, inhaling their combined scent and holding it in for long seconds.

Finally her lips found his swollen cock and she kissed it softly her heart beating hard, she opened her mouth, her tongue hungry for his taste and hesitated, feeling shy and unsure. “Taste me” he whispered, his want burning through her fear, electrifying her, freeing her. Her hands gently took hold of him, her tongue sliding across the head of his cock. She moaned at his taste, he gasped at the contact, with hunger she licked him again, her tongue sliding along his shaft, up over the head, her teeth clinking against his piercing. She took him into her mouth, her lips tightly closing around him, sucking softly, then more strongly, her tongue rubbing around his head, underneath it, one hand stroking his shaft, the other playing with his balls.

She could feel his thighs tense, his muscles flexing but he held himself still, his breathing broken by moans and jumbled words. She took him as deep as she could, held him there, gagged and pulled back her face flushing. His hand touched her face, his finger rubbing over her wet lips “So good” he husked. She smiled with happiness and eagerly licked up his length, her teeth catching his piercing and gently tugging, before sucking him deep into her mouth again. His taste made her moan, her swollen pussy fluttering in reaction, she wanted him to cum, needed to taste him.

She found a steady rhythm working him, lips gripping, mouth sucking, tongue rubbing, hands working his shaft and balls. Soon his hands were in her hair, the tight pull thrilling her, his hips flexing softly, pushing his cock deeper into her. Her darkness was lit up with his scent, taste, his warmth, the sounds of his pleasure. The rightness of the moment, the joy of sharing, giving to him filled her with euphoria. “Now” he groaned “I’m going to cum” with tender force he held her head still and fucked into her mouth, his cock going deeper, flexing, swelling. He grunted with pleasure as he thrust as deep as he could and held her there as his cum, warm and salty coated her tongue, filled her mouth, she swallowed hungrily loving his taste.

For long minutes she held his twitching cock in her mouth, his hands falling away slowly from her hair. With tender licks she cleaned his cock, soft kisses showing her love then his hands were pulling her up his chest. He slowly removed the blindfold, she blinked a couple times as he came into focus and smiled brightly into his sated face even as she blushed.

Shy exhibitionist

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I went to a munch a while back, Mr.W had me wear the toy. I was apprehensive about being out in public with the Lush toy tucked up inside of me, I have not mastered my reaction to it and didn’t want to put on a show for others. Of course I was also excited because I LOVE when he plays with me. Mr.W made a very good point when he said, how many others would be wearing or using toys?

At the munch I struggled, my damn anxiety and then add in being aroused in a roomful of strangers and it was awkward for me. Yet I kept getting wetter and wetter as Mr.W played with me, teased me, sometimes he would be soft and gentle other times he had me jerking, gasping. It was very hard to carry on a conversation, to concentrate on the speakers as they went over the events coming up. I was stuck to my phone, jerking and fidgeting, wanting so badly to just be alone with Mr.W

Overall I enjoyed myself and the experience, I was very, very worked up by the time I could leave. The best part was Mr.W, getting up at 3am his time, playing, talking with me for hours. The effort, the care, the want that he showed me, blew me away. Made me feel cherished, special, throbbing in many places with love and want for him. Mr.W makes me feel a certain way no person has, at times it is very confusing for me as I try to figure it out but mostly I just enjoy every moment we have. He is teaching me, freeing me, helping me discover myself, oh….and driving me fucking nuts with wanting him!

Many times on this journey I have surprised myself, questioned who is this woman, I have done it again. I bought a wi-fi camera, one that has an app you can share with someone. I blush now, even as I get a tingle deep inside, my shyness limits me in many ways but the want I have for Mr.W, to be closer, to please him, to share new things is more powerful. I have been able to take steps, do things that maybe I was aware of somewhere deep inside, he has called it out of me, created a safe place for me to explore.

I had wanted him to see what he does to me, how aroused, needy, greedy he gets me. One night the camera was on and I had the Lush toy in…it was mind bending. I still struggle with my shyness but got worked up to the point that I no longer cared. I tore my bed up, thrashed, moaned, my hips working, my core swollen and throbbing, my clit hard and aching. Touching myself as he directed, showing him intimate, vulnerable parts of me and he…loved it.

I am surprised by how much I like him watching me, how it makes me feel more connected to him. Yes I still get shy but that is quickly taken over by my arousal, my extreme need to please him, the comfort and feeling of safety he gives me. Many times after talking with him my face hurts from smiling and laughing so much. We recently realized that the company that makes Lush also makes a butt plug called Hush, everything in me clenches at the thought of him working me with both toys in….sighgulp I am so happy, so excited about the things to come with my beautiful Tormentor.

 

Lush

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Mr.W lives in a different country, there is time overlap, work, real life commitments etc. At times we both struggle with the distance, wanting to touch, experience each other, oh the fun we would have!!! Can you picture my sweetly evil face? The reality is Mr.W and I will probably never meet in real life, this is frustrating and makes me sad but…life is complicated.

In passing the other day, brilliant Mr.W made the comment of long distant toys. Later I looked it up, curious, I did not know but they do make remote toys! I am now the proud owner of a bullet vibrator called Lush made by Lovense. It has an app that gives control to someone else, either close or long distance. We are both so excited about this, I have already given Mr.W control of my orgasms, edging, any type of bodily pleasure but this is a different level.

It only took two days to get here and last night over a Skype call, Mr.W and I tried it out. It was fucking awesome!! I was a writhing, panting, dripping, begging, severely tormented happy woman. The vibrations are so strong and the way the toy is shaped it also teases my clit. I was rocking my hips, clenching around the toy, there was no escaping the vibrations or the beautiful tormentor that had control. Hearing his sexy mischievous laugh in my ear as he pushed me higher, knowing he was aroused, touching himself took me to a level I had never been to.

When I first put it in and he turned it on I almost fell over, it felt so incredibly good, different from anything I have ever felt before. It just got better from there, Mr.W is a generous, wicked, kind man. We laughed as I would gasp and forget what I was saying when he played with the different levels. I would pant his name as he drove me higher, reminding me I did not have permission to cum. At one point he made a pattern that felt like a big wet tongue thrusting into me, I was rocking my hips, hands cramped in my sheets, begging for him to stop or to let me cum, delicious!!

It was one of the most erotic, tender, fun, mind-blowing experiences I have ever had. I came so hard I lost sight and sound, the orgasm went on and on, the continued vibration from Lush making me need to cum again and he allowed me to (big satisfied smile.) We may never touch in person but this toy gives him control over my pleasure in a different way, I do feel his touch in the deepest part of me, in this way he can give me an orgasm…or not.

To say I am happy with this purchase is an understatement. Mr.W’s beautiful mind has not stopped working, he has so many ideas. I’m a little apprehensive, as I should be because I’m smart and learning his mind. Wearing it out in public is going to be…a test of my control over my body and my facial expressions (my eyes roll back every time it comes on) gulp. I’m so excited about the many naughty, wet, tormenting, fun experiences to come with this toy and Mr.W.

Tormenting Rope

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Mr.W had me wear a wear a basic crotchrope the other day. I don’t have a lot of experience playing with rope but it is something I have always been curious about. For Mr.W rope is a beloved fetish and I am getting the many benefits of his experience. Big smile

I wore the rope tied at my waist (no panties) the two ends twisted together and between my pussy lips and tied again at my back. It took some playing for me to find the right length, too tight and it was painful, too loose and it didn’t stay in place. Once I found the right length…the tormenting begun.

Every movement I made, the rope put pressure on my clit (yummy). Sitting, was a hard constant pressure, like a thumb pushing against me. Walking was a tease, the movement of the rope against me was so arousing! Sliding against my clit, raising my arousal, I wanted to cum so badly at times…but I didn’t have permission. I would run my finger along the rope through my clothes, the vibration passing from my pussy to my ass. Clenching against the rope made it better, the beat of my clit harder. It helped of course that Mr.W was pleased with me, teasing me, enjoying the pleasure I found in doing this.

As you can guess I had a very….arousing, distracting day. I got a thrill from wearing it out and about, knowing what was going on between my legs, our little secret. I lasted 6 hours before I got too sore, it was so worth it though!! I can’t wait to do it again or the new things that I will experience with Mr.W.

That night Mr.W called me on Skype, he has a beautiful voice, his accent is so sexy, his laugh making me smile each time. I feel so out of my element at times with him, the way his mind works has me cringing, aching, laughing and begging for more. It truly is amazing to watch, to experience what evil torment he will come up with next. All wrapped up in a genuine kindness, admiration on both sides, a friendship well-balanced with kink and vanilla. I love the way he talks to me, listens to me, cares about every aspect of my life, he is a magnificent man.

During our call he had me edging, the things he said to me making me hazy, needy so aroused I was dripping wet, my body and mind his. He had me counting to 299, no cumming, no stopping or slowing down, faster and harder at times, pushing a finger deep into me, describing to him how it felt, how I felt. I am very shy and I struggle with this but I also love how freeing it is and I LOVE to arouse him, make him hard.

Several times I lost count and had to restart, the things he said pausing my breath, blanking my mind, driving me higher. I was torn between laughing, crying, begging (which I suck at) and cussing. I was sweating, trembling, gasping and laughing at times. I didn’t feel like I was in this world, I felt dreamy, my hard burning clit driving me wild, his voice pushing me closer. It was a lovely torment, a joint pleasure, at times I was torn between begging sweetly and describing in detail how badly I wanted to mount him and fuck him hard.

I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t given me permission to cum, I like to edge, I am a masochist but I was in such a place, I think I would have had a fit! And I’m not that type of girl. Him listening to me cumming was so intimate, so personal for me, made me feel so close to him. My orgasm was fucking amazing, one of those that goes on for minutes and made me feel like crying, the release was so huge. Needless to say I had a fantastic day and I am so excited about what is to come!

A beautiful tormentor

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Oh my god I am….apprehensive, excited, thrilled, aroused, ON. It has been a long time since I have felt the want to submit. There have been some men that I have felt a flash, a tingle, a distant want but it never grew into anything more for me and it always left me wondering if I lost part of me. If I could give that again, if I would want to, I now know the answer is emphatically YES.

There is this man…we will call him Mr.W, we crossed paths on Fl, I think I loved one of his writings. He is…a beautiful tormentor, an evil fun genius, he makes me laugh, blush and squirm. I’ve been enjoying talking to him, learning about him, flirting, teasing. His mind is a masterpiece, the way he works surprising, intriguing, erotic, I want to climb inside and stay there, watching him just be him.

I become aroused just by talking to him, doesn’t seem to matter what we are talking about it. This made me raise my eyebrows and smile, not really looking closely at the why just enjoying it. He would tell me “bedtime” stories and I would masturbate while he told them. It made me feel like I was using him and I felt bad but he also caused this arousal, this growing hunger that at times I can barely stand. I started to notice that I didn’t want to orgasm unless he was a part of it that I wanted to ask him for permission to cum.

One day he said “you are a good girl” and I felt this…warmth go through me, electric tingle’s and it made me pause, it has been awhile since I felt that. That feeling has only grown, more and more of my submissive side coming out, waking up. I want to submit so badly to him, to call him Sir. When he says I have pleased him, I feel empowered, when he says my good girl, my pussy clenches and I flush with pleasure, I want to give him so much more of me.

There are some problems with this, he is in a different country, it could never be anything in “real life” and…I don’t think he wants the same as me. Today we had an awkward conversation, well awkward for me, he said it was fine. A simple question I asked turned into me feeling very vulnerable, I failed at communication (again). I wanted to explain the way I react to him, is vastly different from the way I do other men. That my need to submit to him is growing, that the arousal I feel is so much more powerful when the desire and need to submit is engaged and when I please him, it’s better than an orgasm.

I had made a comment the other day about asking permission to cum and he said good idea. I didn’t think we had agreed on it, giving up control of my orgasms is a big step for me, not something I do lightly. The next day I came in the shower, still worked up because of him from the day before. I mentioned it in a chat later that day, thanking him for the “help.” Days have gone by since then and today he brought it up. My jaw actually dropped when he mentioned my little “indiscretion” and my entire body clenched when he said “You don’t think I had forgotten do you?” I find that so arousing, don’t know why exactly.

He wanted me to explain why I had and I did, the whole time feeling scolded without words, squirming in a way I do not like. To my explanation he asked “and the want you felt was more than what we had agreed on?” this felt like getting kicked in the chest. I honestly wouldn’t have cum if I thought we had agreed that he would have that control. I explained this to him and he saw my point, then asked me point-blank if I give him my consent to control when I cum or not. I found this so arousing, exciting but also scary. I said yes, he asked me several more times, making sure I understood and agreed and was comfortable with it, each time I said yes, getting wetter as I did.

I’m telling myself to not over think this, (you know how female minds can be, a total fuckfest) to just enjoy the moments, the challenges, the tasks, the play, him. To rejoice in knowing I can submit, that I want to and that I will. He may never be my Sir but he is my beautiful tormentor.

 

 

Behind the curtain

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Eight months ago I came across a man who requires people to call him Sir and also to join one of his two groups on fl, before he would become friends with you. He explained his point of view, I explained mine and we decided to go our separate ways. I was a little bummed about this, he seemed….so primal, knowing, controlling, funny I really wanted to get to know him. But I wasn’t going to call him by a title that to me, comes with time, respect and a liking of that person.

Off and on over the months we would love something on each other’s profile. He wrote me, I wrote him and it became clear that neither of us were going to bend. I don’t know exactly what it was…distant flirting? testing each other?  A couple of months ago he loved a pic of mine and I didn’t respond, then he loved another one and then again. I finally wrote him, thanked him and told him that it was confusing because we couldn’t be friends but he kept coming around. Why??

In his reply he explained a bit about how the Alpha Male mind works, how other people need to be flexible to know the advantages of this type of Man. Our messages went back and forth, he didn’t see or wasn’t going to acknowledge that he was being flexible by continuing to talk with me when I didn’t address him as he requires.

A lot has changed for me over my time on fl. I used to think that calling someone Sir was giving them a power over you, giving them rights. It is a high form of respect, a certain amount of submission. I looked for a reason to call him Sir, him being flexible, patient and explaining things to me was enough for me to do so. I think also that the word Sir has lost some of the strict rules I used to apply to it.

So I addressed him as Sir and he was very pleased with me and now I can see, started to teach me how to interact with him. There were some things I found alluring about him but he is also very cocky, expectant, almost entitled in how he wanted me to respond to him. This made me a little uncomfortable, I struggled with giving it to him, honestly, not just faking it. He started talking about going on Skype, this made me very anxious cause hello! I’m shy!

I explained to him how crazy my life is, how most days my time doesn’t belong to me. He seemed to understand this, was patient and willing to work with me. After giving him my Skype name, I questioned myself, what I was doing with him and I told him. He asked me if I trust him and I wanted to respond with a hell no! you’re some man from a kink site, I don’t even know your name or where you live! Trust you?? ha! Instead I asked him what the meaning of trust means to him, he said surrender….

He was not clear on what he expected on Skype, texting, chatting or it being sexual, or the uninterrupted time he expected from me when we were chatting. I had a very busy day and was only on for a couple of minutes before I had to run. He was not pleased with this and ended up showing me things I find extremely unattractive. I had warned him about my life, I apologized and tried to explain, but then he crossed that line. He made passive aggressive comments, treated me like I was dumb and refused to acknowledge valid points I made. He was pouting, like a little boy stomping his foot and demanding his toy to perform.

I have to laugh at this even while shaking my head. This man considers himself a Master, a Sir and an Alpha male and yet…he is emotionally immature and weak. Finally seeing behind the curtain is disappointing and I told him that right before I said goodbye. I have no space in my life for guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive, people who only see themselves. I am thankful I didn’t do more before finding this out, someone like that, I think can be a very unhealthy, dangerous Master.

Remembrance

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I know there was a time when I was innocent, untouched, my sexuality a fragile bud not yet ready to bloom. A distant excitement, experiences with skin, pleasure, bodies connecting something I couldn’t quite comprehend.

I just don’t remember.

What I do remember is suffocating heat, pain, shame, fear. My precious gift to give cruelly taken from me, my mouth sealed with threats. Lost in a sea of things I didn’t understand, stranded in emotions I didn’t have the tools to cope with.

…..somehow it was my fault and the wall was built.

I know there was a time in my life where I didn’t live with fear as my shadow.  That I wasn’t crippled by flashbacks, anxiety, depression and a terror always in my sight. That I was exploding into being who I was, riding life freely, not a victim.

I just don’t remember.

I do remember the ding of the door, the thump on the counter, the horrifying, debilitating fear when I opened the door and looked down the barrel of a gun and the smothering rage of the man holding it.

And I came face to face with my mortality.

I’m sure there was a time when I looked at my body and didn’t see stretch marks, heavy time-worn boobs, those extra pounds that never leave, a war played out in my skin. Where I rejoiced in my shape and feel.

I just don’t remember.

I do remember skin and bones, tendons and bony points, falling in love with my physical appearance as I starved nearly to death. No longer made fun of, I became something to pity.

….the need for some type of control almost killed me.

I couldn’t have been born with the need for pain as a release, right? Somewhere along the line I twisted some wires. I sliced and diced, blood released emotions. Space to breathe in the pain as my mind found relief.

I don’t remember a time I didn’t need it.

Now the pain is inked into my skin, triumphs and failures covering up my shamed scars. Then to find this world, where my need for pain is accepted, even wanted. Finally a healthier outlet for my guilty masochistic side. That I can have the pain I crave…and now pleasure too.

And part of me found peace.

I know there was a time when I was innocent, eager, guilt free, whole. I just don’t remember.

What I do remember and honor is the fight, the blood, tears, darkness that has got me to this point. The acceptance of myself, the heart breaks of my destruction, the joys of rising again, stronger, thirstier for life. The abiding belief that things get better, the eternal hope for myself and others, the indefinable knowledge that there is a reason for everything.

I am whole in all my scarred broken pieces, stronger, deeper, present and forever grateful.

A different side

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It has been a while since I wrote about what is going on. I have struggled with writing down all that has happened but the whole point of starting this blog was for me to document my journey. To stay true to myself, to be able to look back and see the growth I have had…(and to remember extremely kinky moments in black and white detail) lol

I was falling for a man who I met through okc, we talked for months, my interest in fl and bdsm buried, the pleasure and want to serve fading. This made me sad but also…I felt safe in a way. My need to serve, hasn’t been the same since M. One of my sisters on fl warned me that kink can’t be buried for long, that it always comes back. I heard what she was saying but thought I might be happy with V just being a little kinky.

I wrote about him in Vanilla love, I just reread it and marveled at what I wrote and laughed. Sadly it didn’t work out, in a very nasty disappointing way. He showed me a side that shocked me and hurt me, had a total disregard for emotions, for my boundaries. And because I can here…FUCK YOU V!!!! ASSHOLE! sigh…my heart is so mad at him.

M wrote me on fl, like five months later and admitted that what he did was cruel and cowardly and that I deserved better. I wrote him back and thanked him and wished him the best. Part of me does take some pleasure in knowing that he knows he failed, he could have just explained it to me and I would have understood, accepted and thought more of him. But it does feel good in some small way to have that closure.

I don’t really know how it happened, this man I have talked to on fl for almost a year…we are playing. I’m not going to use the title of Domme or that he is my cock slut, we are just exploring and my sadistic side is coming out, what fun! It went from exchanging ideas, fantasies, to me being in control of his orgasms, he loves cbt and turns out I love it too.

It has been amazing to see the other side, so many things you have to be aware of. His mental health, his physical well-being, his limits and then pushing him, safely and also holding him back. So much learning, reading, homework, planning I have to do, to give him what he needs, longs for. Right now he seems to be in a frenzy, so eager and flying high on the freedom that he now has, since giving over control to me. I love pushing him, giving him tasks to play, knowing how close he gets to cumming but that he can’t, won’t, without permission from me, so arousing!

I have wondered if I am…intentionally burying my submissive side, if I am not being true to myself. But then again it’s all about exploring, evolving, it is not set in stone what I am, I don’t have to be one way or another, I am finding me. I belong to me and don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I’m just going to enjoy myself and learn.

There is also this other man…and he is neautiful. A word he introduced me to, beautiful and naughty, he is amazing, kind, devious. I genuinely care about him, love the connection we have. His darkness..makes me wet, I love the pain he wants to give me, does give me. I love being on the receiving end of him discovering, exploring himself, so hot!  Does this make me a switch? Do I need a title, a label? To know right now exactly where I fit in?

I am also going to my first tasting! In the lifestyle for a year and finally going to see how it is done. I am so excited! I will write about it in my next post, I feel like a kid at christmas time! Wooohoooo