I had only been on fl for a month when he messaged me. We will call him sweet talker. He was 25…over a decade younger than me, which gave me some moments of what am I doing?! He had a foot fetish and was a switch. Our chats were fun, he was polite always calling me Mistress. I found that I enjoyed giving him his kink, the way it would make me feel….to please him.
At that point in time I hadn’t heard about sub frenzy, an overwhelming feeling to want to please, to experience every type of kink ( please if you have anything to add to this, I welcome it.)
I found this to be very dangerous, for myself. My body was…on, my wooha sooooo hungry and excited. I would spend days wet, and masturbating didn’t even take the edge off. I was shocked and confused and surprised and scared. I was willing to put myself in unsafe situations. Thinking crazy thoughts. Luckily I managed to sit with it, ride most of it out, until I learned about sub frenzy. That helped to calm me down some and helped me to understand what I was feeling.
Back to sweet talker, I sent him pics of my feet, followed his requests. He would beg me to meet him, loved how I teased him. I don’t have a foot fetish but I loved giving it to him and this made me wonder if this is the sub side of me? To want to please? I am very shy and have some body issues, but sending foot pics was easy and a lot of fun. Pleasing him made me feel good and turned me on.
Of course it didn’t stay with feet, slowly we moved up my body. I struggled with sending more intimate pictures but it was so erotic and I loved that he sent me pictures of his hard cock. Of him masturbating, cumming, it was so hot! He made me feel comfortable, sexy, desired. So I opened myself to him that way, loved sending him surprising pictures in the morning.
We went from chatting on fl, to email and then kik. We talked all the time, all day, everyday. I struggled with him begging, it took me a while to understand that he enjoyed it, got off on it. I also struggled with him calling me Mistress, I didn’t want to be a Domme, I wanted to be a sub. I told him this…and everything changed. He switched and ohmyfuck it was so HOT!
I had fantasized about what it would be like, feel like to submit, to be ordered, to be owned. My imagination didn’t come close….the feeling that would wash over me…these tingles that rushed through my entire body, the heat that settled in my core, the pulsing of my clit…unbelievable. His praise would make me feel on top of the world, when he called me good girl, I had a mini orgasm…every time. When he said You are mine…I never knew I could feel that way. Still don’t know how to describe it.
We kinda negotiated terms and now, at this point I know how important that is and will make sure to do a better job of it in the future. Because that is what ended us. I don’t consider what we had to be a “real” Dom/s situation, at the time it felt like it for me. But now looking back and the things I have learned, it was more playing at it. I don’t know if it was because he was a switch, or just the way he was, or if it was me.
I noticed right away that he didn’t follow through, he would give me a task I would do it and he would never comment on it. So then I started not doing them and he never noticed, until the night we ended. And then he blamed me for not following through, wasn’t willing to take any of the blame on himself.
It also changed from talking all the time to only when he wanted to cum he would “Dom” me. Which I allowed, I think because I was still in sub frenzy and loved the way he made me feel, how I would feel pleasing him. He also never used my name, told me he prefered not to unless in formal situations, whatever that meant. And that I thanked him too much…ok.
I became emotionally attached, which was a very bad thing. But I didn’t know how not to, the way he made me feel, my body feel…was amazing. I was mad that I felt this attachment to him, thought I was smarter than that. He didn’t even use my name! It all came to a head one night, after days of him not talking to me, again. Which was very hard for me every time he did it. I didn’t know how to cope, didn’t like the way it made me feel. I am not a needy, emotionally starved person, who needs constant contact, but I felt that way.
It made me take a step back and really look at what I was doing, the path I was on. Could I deal with these types of feelings? How? Would I feel this way in each new “relationship”? To feel so vulnerable, so small, so exposed in ways I never dreamed of was extremely unpleasant. Scary. I felt like I lost a part of myself and it made me wonder if I was strong enough to be a sub. I didn’t realize going in, how much courage and strength it takes to be a sub. To open yourself, give yourself freely, to want, need to please, to bend yourself in half trying to please, to serve Him.
That experience with him was both good and bad, it taught me a lot about myself. I have red flags I look for now, I have a better idea of what I am looking for, what treatment I am willing to take. I am thankful for it, the pain, the pleasure, the fear and all the new experiences.
To other new subs, educate yourself!! Read, research, ask questions. Speak up and if you wouldn’t accept certain treatment in your vanilla life, don’t accept it in your kink life. Be true to yourself.