I was approached by another couple, she wrote me on fetlife and we hit it off. I’m going to put this down to having a brain fart, it took me a while to read her profile and when I did, I realized they were looking for a sister sub. I also didn’t know that her Master had been reading all of our messages, that made me feel a bit…uncomfortable. I was very excited to make new friends in the lifestyle here in my own town. I was also very intrigued by what they were looking for, I have been approached before but that was for play/sex. This couple wanted a poly inclusive dynamic.
From the very beginning I was upfront with them about not being sure if their dynamic would work for me. I told them I would like to be friends, made it as clear as possible, even said I was 97% sure their dynamic wasn’t for me. I thought at the time it was cute how Master S said there was still a 3% chance and 3 was his favorite number.
We moved from fl to email and before I gave them my number I once again told them all I wanted was to be friends and that if this worked for them to text me. I liked sub S very much, we have so much in common from life stories to kink to music. I don’t make friends easily, being shy and having social anxiety, so I was thrilled with how well we clicked.
Yes I thought about their dynamic, asked myself questions on if it was something I could do. I liked the picture of living together, a relationship where there is such support and love, a relationship made stronger by pleasure and dominance. But…I didn’t see how I could, with how I operate be willing to share so much of him. Time, energy, heart, body, mind, I am not built that way, I can be selfish, possessive and jealous.
It became obvious to me that Master S and I were going to bump heads a lot. I was still trying to be friends with them, getting to know them, asking questions and sharing parts of my life with them. It seemed that everything I shared he took to mean as making progress down a road he had mapped out. Getting closer to the end goal he so badly wants. I didn’t know how to slow his roll, to explain it any clearer to him that it wasn’t going to happen and that I wanted to be FRIENDS.
We met for drinks, went to a movie and then had dinner, I was very touched by how much effort they put in to making me comfortable. I was so nervous! I was shaking and felt like such an idiot for not being able to control my body’s response. But I went and had a wonderful time, sub S and I clicked in real life just like we had online. I felt a little selfish, wanting to have kinky friends I could actually hang out with, when I knew what they were looking for.
When I got home Master S wrote me and asked how I felt about submitting, one way or another. I told him that I was focused on us being friends and that I couldn’t tell him after one meeting. He apologized and said that it was unfair of him to ask me. There was a lot of things Master S said about submitting and dominance that I really liked. But his actions showed me different things. Like not listening to me, pushing me, sometimes he would make a comment that was a bit passive aggressive. I know we are all human but I don’t think this is a good trait in a Dom/Master.
Things were pretty rocky after that, I made it clear that I felt pushed and uncomfortable. He always talked about it being a journey, about the experience being a good one for all involved, I learned that it was his journey, he always had the end goal insight. It wasn’t about being friends, he really thought eventually I would agree to their dynamic. When he asked about meeting up again, I let them know that it wasn’t a good idea. He wasn’t too happy about it, said some things about it being my perspective and what a shame it was and how I was losing out on a great thing, how healthy and helpful it would be for me with my issues. He honestly didn’t hear me or maybe it was that he didn’t care to.
My feelings were a little hurt because it felt like they both always had ulterior motives, but how can I blame them when I know how badly they want that type of relationship? Part of me wishes that I had listened to myself and never started down the road with them but another part of me is glad for the experience and the things I learned. I do wish them all the best and sincerely hope they find what they seek.