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At the start of my journey I wondered if I would be able to take punishments. I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance. But I learned that’s not all it takes.

Naive me, I was eager to find out. I also found during my conversations with Him that any talk of punishment aroused me. I wondered about this, am I that warped? Or was it talking about it with Him that got me? I think He is a big part of it. Just the thought of Him spanking me…Ahem.

He introduced me to Funishments, an arousing mix of pain and pleasure for some minor infraction. I love this. It’s always exciting, I always learn something new about myself and I think it strengthens our bond. I think He enjoys it too, not as much as me of course.

The other night I learned that I don’t like punishment. I had lied to Him months ago and finally confessed it to Him. I don’t like lying, I pride myself on being truthful. I could defend myself on why I lied, I could point out that we were just friends on Fl at that point. But the bottom line is that I lied and in trying to build the type of relationship I really want to have with Him. Even innocent lies, are harmful to the foundation of it.

He had me take a wooden spoon and hit the instep of each of my feet. 20 times to His count. He wanted me to leave a mark, I was worried because I don’t mark easy, that I wouldn’t. So I hit myself more than He counted, using the edge of the spoon the whole time. I probably didn’t hit as hard as He wanted me to at some points. But I did hit hard enough to leave a bruise on one foot and to swell the inside of the other.

He talked to me about why He was punishing me during it. The bond He hopes we will develop what it could withstand. But that if there are lies, there could never be trust. He asked me if I agreed that complete honesty and trust is the absolute foundation. I absolutely agree, wholeheartedly. I was so happy that He made that point, that we both feel the same way about it.

This was a two-part punishment. Yesterday He told me to find pebbles and put them in my shoes and go for a four mile walk. My feet hurt pretty bad when I got up but as the day wore on they felt better. I was a little intimidated at the four mile walk with pebbles in my shoes, but what was I to say? I knew the point He was making and I agreed. I already told Him that I wouldn’t lie again. I was already very sorry. But He needed to follow through, I needed Him to.

Well the walk was fucking awful. I ended up using bead chips that are all different sizes with sharp edges. The first mile was uncomfortably painful, the second extremely painful, the third I was chewing on my lip and limping/shuffling. I didn’t think I would make it. I got mad at Him too. I don’t know if that is a normal reaction but it was mine.

I was ranting in my head as I limped that whole last mile, chewing on my lip, my face screwed up in a grimace of pain. Each step burned so bad, those sharp little chips stuck in my tender feet. I really wondered if I could do it, if I could finish the last mile. But then I got determined, to show myself I could do this and I did.

The worst part of all of this? Is feeling like I disappointed Him, let Him down. I would rather take so much more pain than to feel that way emotionally again. It was very heavy, I was not prepared for the way it hit me mentally. I don’t feel like I need physical punishment, the feelings it created to displease Him, to make Him have to punish me. Are more than enough to keep me in check. I will be aware, I will not lie, I will do everything in my power not to feel that way again.