He wants to meet…deep breath, crazy stampeding butterflies, heart like a jackhammer. He wants to meet in RL in Oct….holyme…I am excited, terrified, did I say excited? I want it too, but I am so scared.
I have body issues and I think when He discovered this, especially how deep mine go. I think He was disappointed. He didn’t say anything like that, He has been very patient with me. I hadn’t told Him, going with fake it till you make it and having been given the advice that men love confidence in a woman. When our relationship moved from Fl to email and gchat, I felt trapped. Like I had lied or deceived, I felt so vulnerable, so ready to be rejected.
I did something crazy, I got mad. At myself, my fears, my issues, my stupid female emotions (that us women know can fuck us up worse than reality.) In my anger and fear and also maybe a way to protect myself. I sent Him naked pictures of me. Something I have never ever done, never even thought I would. I am still shocked and surprised that I did that. But I so badly needed to know can He accept this? Does He find this attractive?
Well…our relationship has moved further along. He didn’t drop off the face of the earth. He actually said some pretty hot things, that had me blushing and my body responding. I like that He doesn’t say a lot of flowery words, I wouldn’t believe Him if He did. He encourages me and praises me in a way that I find real and acceptable.
He wants me to cum for Him on video chat, that is something that terrifies me. Every morning I send Him a picture of a M on my body. I don’t just send the best angle or the most flattering one. I send real pictures, this takes courage every time, in some ways I guess maybe I am saying. I am real. I had written a post about our video chat, I had been so anxious, so sure that once He saw me in “RL” that it would be over.
But this step…I hadn’t been ready for. Smart man that He is, He gave me several video assignments. This has helped me a great deal, to get used to the thought of Him watching me. To free myself from some of my issues, to grow my confidence, to find a certain power in myself. The trust that it takes to do something like that, the confidence in yourself. He is right, if I can’t do it on video chat, how would RL be?
I don’t know if He has something planned for a video chat, I am too afraid to ask. I want to ask Him to push back the date. October is so soon. Am I ready? Can I do it? I want to…god how I want Him…but I also want to be further along on my personal journey.
This is a huge step…we are still learning about each other. The connection building between us and I know this would help it (hopefully.) But I am so uncomfortable with myself, would my issues ruin the whole thing? I would be crushed, so mad at myself.
On my journey with Him, He has helped me in so many ways already. Lots of them He doesn’t even know about and that works for me. Freeing me, teaching me, exposing me to things that make me excited and happy. He has been a guide in me getting to know my deeper self, accepting and loving my darkness. Fulfilling desires I hadn’t even fully realized, soothing and feeding this need I have inside.
October will be here before we know it, I want so badly to do this. I want Him in so many ways, physical only being a part of it. Come on courage! Come on confidence! Girl live like you never have before, take the leap, step outside of your safe little world. Be real….
rebornkinky 